Missing him makes me go crazy and cranky

Its a fucking 3 am in the morning,
I can't keep my eyes shut still,
i can feel something is not rite.
Well I am pissed off at him,
well y wouldn't i be,
10 days away with no single phone call
Gosh it makes me think again
if he truly is the rite person for me?
Now he seems not to care at all..
There goes my wish for the New Year
flushed down the toilet,
I am crying at 3 am in the morning
and for sure that
He might not even care even if I do!!
At this moment I really do have a mixed feeling
missing him like crazy
as well as
hating him like hell!!

Arguments

I'm crying out for HELP,
But there was no one out there who could hear me,
I feel empty,
I feel numb, no one was there to help me
arguments after another arguments,
tend to make things worst,
but again,
like I was all alone, I feel like a THING that no one bother to hold,
bother to care, bother to even look,
I feel so devastated, so weak,
there was no one to turn my back to,
no one that would like to share a shoulder to cry,
I feel like cutting myself again,
just to see if it bleeds,
but that was before,
and now,
things are totally different,
things have change,
it wasn't like before,
I've made a promise to him,
to myself,
as long as I Love him ,
but now it just feel like there is no point of keeping those promises
that I've made,
he doesn't seems to care,
It just feel different,
when there is no one who actually care,
no one who actually want to know,
no one who actually bothers,
I am screaming on top of my lungs
and she who is next to me couldn't even hear it..

Malaysia ku..

Bukan nak kata ape la..tapi lately nie, aku perasan satu perkara yang agak membimbangkan, negara Malaysia kita dah dihuni oleh ramai warganegara bukan Malaysia..macam caca merba pulak bila nak tgk. Contoh yang paling ketara la, pagi nie aku pergi la beriadah kat taman riadah di kawasan berdekatan dengan rumah, Bukan nak kata aku anti dengan orang2 luar nie, tapi agak tak selesa bila dorang pulak yang lebih 'OVER' dari orang Malaysia..pandang kite pun lain macam..naik angin betul aku. aku buat dek je la kan..malas nak layan..yg paling tak boleh bla dorang boleh kutuk2 org Malaysia pakai bahasa Tagalog..dah tu siap pandang jeling2 lagi tu..ish memang tak patut betul..

tak boleh nak dinafikan ramai juga warga asing nie yang baik dan okay, tahu berbudi bahasa.. kalau dah kat negeri org tu kene la pandai bawak diri kan..yang penting, lelaki yang paling aku CINTA juga merupakan warganegara Indonesia, ramai antara rakan2 aku yang tahu dan tidak kisah, tapi juga ada yang membangkang habis-habisan. macam-macam alasan yang dorang utarakan, tapi yang penting hubungan kami sangat suci dan aku dapat lihat keikhlasan die menerima aku. Kalau jodoh kami panjang, insyaallah aku ingin ingin membina masjid bersama dia..Moga2 doa aku dimakbulkan Allah s.w.t.

Financial

As a student in my second year degree, I have no stable income, nor do i take loans or under any scholarship..Money have always been something that makes me think a lot..How can i study and still earn some money. I have been invited to join this MLM thing but I am not interested. Some of my fellow friends have been working to earn some pocket money..Or shall I say a lot of pocket money. For me myself I have been working part time, helping my uncle to do some paper work, yea.. It helps somehow..give me some earning..But i still have to be wise on what i spent my money on..after all this time I guess I have been spending more on my top-ups, instead of my food or fuel..well I did manage to save on that..Love is putting some toll on me..Yet it still makes me happy..I am still cracking my head on how to earn more money!! Hope that Allah will give me some sign to figure it out..and not just let me crack my head to think about it!

Family and secrets..

Untuk beberapa bulan yang lalu, atau lebih tepat jika dikatakan dalam lebih kurang hampir setahun aku menyembunyikan pelbagai perkara yang pernah aku kongsi bersama ahli keluargaku.. 'I know I shouldn't do that somehow' family comes first from the others, tapi bile kita dari awal lagi tahu yang family akan menentang keputusan kita, apa yang akan kita lakukan untuk meneruskan keputusan itu? Semestinya menyembunyikan perkara- perkara yang dikira rahsia dari pengetahuan family.

Tapi sememangnya itu bukan niat sebenar diriku, tapi kadang kala kita harus faham bahawa adakalanya, keputusan yang kita fikir terbaik untuk diri kita sendiri akan difikirkan sebaliknya oleh pihak luar. Straight to the point lah kan.. I've been in a relationship with this guy for almost a year now. So far I can consider myself happy with him.. walaupun dalam menjalinkan hubungan tu ade banyak halangan, tapi kami telah berjaya mengharunginya setakat ini.

For the past 10th months, aku telah berjaya menyembunyikan hubungan aku dengan lelaki tersebut dari pengetahuan orang tua ku, dan juga penjaga ku selama 22 tahun, kak ani. Mereka nie boleh dikatakan protective. Kiranya tak mahu aku tersilap langkah lah konon. Jadi kesimpulannya mereka akan mengawal tindak tanduk hubungan ku, terutama sekali dengan siapa aku menjalinkan hubungan.

Boleh aku katakan juga, bahawa hubungan ku dengan kekasih ku ini agak rumit, atas beberapa faktor. dan rakan2 ku yang mengetahui hal perhubungan kami, selalu menasihatkan aku untuk berfikir secara rasional tentang setiap keputusan tentang masalh yang aku hadapi. Terima Kasih aku ucapkan kerana mereka adalah antara insan yang benar2 mengambil berat tentang diriku.

Walaupun aku cuba sedaya upaya untuk menyembunyikan hubungan ku dari keluarga namun, minggu lepas kantoi..ntah macam mana pula jadi perkara macam tu..tapi alhamdullillah berkat doa ku kepada Allah, hati ibu lembut..buat masa nielah..i dunno if they are playing tricks on me or what..sebab as far as I am concern mama and papa dun like him coz of what he do for living..
but i dunno, I just leave it to Allah..and let Him decides..hmm..hope that things will goes well

One Month

Gosh!! It has been one months since he is gone..i am not bragging about my relationship.But I wonder how can I stand a long period of being apart from him. Well good to know that he will be back by this Wednesday (which is like 2 days to go).
I am not saying that I am uncomfortable with this relationship, but somehow there are things that I can considered to be blurry. For instance, I am having a relationship with myself or am I having a relationship with another individual. He calls me ones in a while, reasons he is saving up for his trip back here.
There are times when I was wondering what am I getting myself into? He seems to be a nice guy, for all I know he is one of those guys who is in my top 3 list of the guy that I can trust and can seems to be decent. But that is just him in front of me. Back from the place where he comes from, seriously he has been someone different not totally different, but slightly different.
I am not judging him, thus maybe he might need some time apart..u know.. I think I should give him a break. Let him chill with his mates. hmm.. Perhaps I think I should.

Tak Faham

Bila kau susah nak cari aku,
bila kau marah, kau marah padaku,
Kau sedih, kau cerita padaku,
kadang-kadang aku runsing,
Siapakah aku padamu,
setiap kali kau mengucapkan kata cinta,
hatiku berbunga,
namun
Tiap kali kau tinggikan suara,
Aku hanya menerima,
tidak pernah sekali pun aku melawan,
tapi aku bukannya barang mainan,
yang boleh kau campak ketika bosan
Aku juga punya hati dan perasaan,
Aku tahu aku sering mengagungkanmu,
walau ternyata,
mereka kata,
ada yang lebih baik buat diriki,
kekadang aku terasa lemah,
namun
kau adalah tulang belakangku..
aku cintakan kau

blushed

I have never thought that this would happen,
I have always adore him,
But he is beyond my reach,
So I try to push those feelings far away,
He is just simple,
But there are things about him that attracts me,
and I don't know what,
Always look at him while he make his way to the destination,
Never thought that he knows my existence,
until today,
when I walk passed him and he called out my name and said Hi!!
I blushed
I can feel that y heart is jumping,
heee