Sunday, July 3, 2011

Sunday drama..

Pagi nie, aku bangun dengan keadaan yang longlai..mungkin kerana keletihan yang teramat lepas merayau- rayau malam minggu and gayut telefon ngan ex aku sampai pukul 3 pagi..tu la musibah yang menimpa..

Ku panjatkan syukur ke hadirat Allah swt. Allah telah mengkabulkan doa ku..walau pada ku ini masih pembukaan dan bukannya penamat kisah cinta aku dengan bekas teman lelaki aku..aku sudah mula berkomunikasi semula sejak hujung minggu lepas..lama jugak aku tak telefon atau mesej dia..hampir 3bulan semenjak 'breakup' dgn lelaki yang aku panggil Joe..Ya Allah tuhan aje yang tahu macam mana bercelarunya hidup aku selama putus tu..tp aku bersyukur dan berterima kasih kepada kawan2 yang sentiasa memberi semangat dan dorongan supaya aku kental.

aku bukan nak kata aku tak boleh cari lelaki lain atau moved on la kan..tapi dengan Joe nie die lelaki yang berbeza..sangat lelaki yang sebelum- sebelum nie..die jenis yang aku boleh hormat walaupun bak kata mak aku "darjat die rendah dari darjat kita". Ye la die warga asing.. datang dari seberang, datang sini untuk mencari rezeki untuk menyara hidup..

Semalam, phone call aku dgn die adalah dalam 1 jam 07 minit dan beberapa saat. perbualan yang paling panjang selepas 3 bulan..macam- macam yang kami bualkan..die ada juga menyanyi sebaris petikan lagu melayu, terkenang aku masa zaman- zaman aku bercinta dgn die dulu.. banyak teguran dan nasihat-nasihat yang die beri kepada aku, walaupun kami dan putus dan mama menghalang 100% aku ada apa- apa lagi hubungan dengan die tapi aku rasa terkilan kalau hubungan itu putus tanpa persahabatan langsung antara aku dan die. Sekurang- kurangnya walau kami dah putus dan rasa cinta tu masih wujud, tapi masih lagi boleh jadi kawan..from my point of view memang 'tak salah' pun kalau macam tu kan.

Tapi perasaan aku hancur sebab sejak kebelakangan nie, mama asyik mendesak aku untuk menjauhkan diri dari Joe dan ahli keluarga, saudara mara dia yang lain..mmg la aku tak nafikan, aku dgn saudara mara Joe boleh dikatakan rapat. Mereka sangat baik dan mesra dengan aku. Anak- anak buah Joe, Aiman, Lina, Khairul, kembar, Faris, dan yang lain- lain ( aku sampai tak ingat nama ) semua manja dengan aku..dan aku pulak gemar dengan budak- budak kecik..tak kan aku nak buat bodoh je kalau budak2 tu panggil aku, atau datang peluk aku..tak sampai hati kowt..tapi mama pulak tak suka seboleh- boleh sangat die nak menjauhhkan aku dari Joe..aku harap dan berdoa sangat- sangat yang Allah memberi petunjuk dan hidayah untuk buka hati dan pemikiran mama..supaya die boleh terima orang yang tak sama kedudukan ( pada mama) dari kami sekeluarga. pada aku pulak, harta kekayaan tak menjadi ukuran asal orang tu benar- benar ikhlas sayang dan cintakan aku, terima aku dalam hidupnya..ntahla..

sekarang pun jam dah jam 2206 mata aku dah kuyu..nanti kita sambung lagi

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

21 JUN 2011

Kenapalah perasaan ini seakan- akan tak mahu menghilang, keliru sangat dengan cara awak pandang saya, sejak kebelakangan nie awk asyik tenung saya dari jauh, tapi bila saya pandang awak balik, awak mengelak pandangan mata saya dan mengalihkan pandangan awak ke tempat lain, 27 jun nie GENAP 2 TAHUN kite bersama (pernah bersama), awak tahu tak 27 jun nie jugak, GENAP 3 BULAN kita putus. Sepanjang tiga bulan tu jugaklah saya hilang arah tuju.

Walaupun kita cuma bercinta selama 1 TAHUN 9 BULAN tapi saya rasa macam sepanjang hayat saya hidup dengan awak. Cara awak pandang saya tadi masa saya memandu lalu depan awak sangat menusuk jiwa dan perasaan saya. Saya cuba 'act cool' buat macam tak pandang awak..tapi kenyataan yang sebenarnya saya nak sangat pandang awak, nak tgk awak tersenyum ke arah saya macam dulu-dulu. kalaulah kita ada jodoh saya sangat berharap saya akan habiskan sepanjang sisa-sisa kehidupan saya dengan awak..Sesungguhnya, hanya ALLAH saja yang mengetahui betapa dalamnya CINTA saya terhadap awak..

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Tuesday drama

Today is full of drama, sejak dari office tadi sampai la masa baru balik kerja tadi..Mana tak nya, macam kes!! Kadang-kadang aku kurang faham sangat dengan tabiat manusia yang suka nak jaga tepi kain orang lain, nak masuk campur dalam masalah peribadi orang lain..kalau orang tu yang minta pandangan tak pela..nie tidak suka-suka hati je memberi pendapat yang 'laser'..

Kadang-kadang sakit hati juga dengan orang yang punya perangai sebegini..Tapi nak buat macam mana kena sabar jugak la..Yang paling kesian, bila orang yang di 'laser'..from my point of view bagi orang tu la kan..ur life is no better so why bother about others when u have ur own to be fix..

Monday, February 14, 2011

Do mind ur own business..plz

Hari nie hari keje yang amat menyakitkan hati..Sebab hari nie dah la first day of Period, dah tu pulak kene duduk kat ofis tgk orang buat editing.
Yang paling tak boleh bla bile boss u start tanya pasal boifie u, sakit hati pun ade jugak la..mana tak nya, bile die tibe2 nak interfere my privacy!!

But I was acting really cool..like really really cool, when I just put a big smile on my face.. Senyum je la nak buat macam mana kan..dah die boss.. tak kan nak tengking..

But sometimes, its really hard to deal with these people yang suka KEPOCI pasal orang lain..Well deep inside I do believe that they just want to run away from they very own personal matters. Tapi sumpah!! Sangat menyakitkan hati..bile they try to act like they are so good..everyone has "skeletons in their closet". Bukan ape, I don't mind kalau u nak ambil berat pasal masalah I, tapi at the same time, Please jgn kutuk and bring me down..Bukan ape. bile u cakap macam hidup u tu bagus sangat..at the end of the day, people actually do know that your life sucks too!!

Dah tu pasal my privacy life I tak suka bile org masuk campur and nak kata that I should do this instead of that!! Who are you to say that!! You are not even my mother, so STOP acting like one. Kalau aku nak bercinta dengan orang Indonesia ke Filippina ke, Siam ke, yang paling penting sekali aku tak pernah kacau hidup kau!! Dah tu pulak it doesn't even give impact to ur life. So plz stay away from my personal life..Aku buat kerja aku bagi siap!! Dah tu aku perform waktu kerja, tak de pulak aku nak bawak masalah peribadi aku campur adukkan dengan masalah kerja aku!! BETUL TAK?Aku perform, bukan tak perform, lainlah kalau aku angau, and masa kerja aku asyik ingat boyfriend aku!!

Cukup la dengan sedara mara aku yang suka jaga tepi kain aku, tak payah nak tambahkan lagi masalah aku! I have to deal with my parents, my family, my uncle's and auntie's, my cousins' and the list goes on!! and at the same time I just find it somehow irrelevant when they all try to get involved with my life..Aku kahwin nanti ade ke masalah aku jadi masalah mereka jugak?? I am sorry if I sound to harsh in this posting!! But seriousl aku dah naik fed up dengan manusia yang suka sangat campur tangan dalam urusan hidup orang lain..especially bile mereka tidak diperlukan langsung!!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Family Drama

Lately I have been really busy, like seriously busy, and at times I realize I haven't had time for myself..Thanx to my organizer, it keeps me UPDATED all the time, but there are apart of me that I haven't been really been paying attention a lot!! My <3 life..
Why am I so concern about it?
Well, I am still young and still have a long journey ahead of me..well most of the times I think about that..but there is something deeper inside that worries me the most..
my sexual desire..
I can say I have a really strong fantasy when it comes to man..here I literally emphasize on only one man, MY BOYFRIEND!!
We have actually been officially together for One Year and Eight months, somehow, in a few days time. But seriously I haven't been with him in that situation that I really want to be..You know...the intimacy part..and its not like I am legal bout it yet, but I bet everyone has that feelings..the curious feeling that u want to know how would it be if you are with that ONE and ONLY MAN you <3!!
Not only that, I am also having a problem with my family, I have been lying to them ever since the beginning, well its not like I don't feel guilty, I DO!! But the thing is, I wouldn't want them to be judging him just because he is an INDONESIAN, not like he is a bad guy, a liar, or even a thief, he is a guy who sells Fried bananas by the roadside and I am so not a shame to admit that I truly am in LOVE with him!!
He is a hardworking man..one of the most hardworking I have ever know..Although he has his flaws, but he is a human and human do make mistakes..but as far as I am concern he is just human...and I can accept him for all his mistakes.
Well I have got to go for now, there are guest downstairs..ttyl

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Missing him makes me go crazy and cranky

Its a fucking 3 am in the morning,
I can't keep my eyes shut still,
i can feel something is not rite.
Well I am pissed off at him,
well y wouldn't i be,
10 days away with no single phone call
Gosh it makes me think again
if he truly is the rite person for me?
Now he seems not to care at all..
There goes my wish for the New Year
flushed down the toilet,
I am crying at 3 am in the morning
and for sure that
He might not even care even if I do!!
At this moment I really do have a mixed feeling
missing him like crazy
as well as
hating him like hell!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Arguments

I'm crying out for HELP,
But there was no one out there who could hear me,
I feel empty,
I feel numb, no one was there to help me
arguments after another arguments,
tend to make things worst,
but again,
like I was all alone, I feel like a THING that no one bother to hold,
bother to care, bother to even look,
I feel so devastated, so weak,
there was no one to turn my back to,
no one that would like to share a shoulder to cry,
I feel like cutting myself again,
just to see if it bleeds,
but that was before,
and now,
things are totally different,
things have change,
it wasn't like before,
I've made a promise to him,
to myself,
as long as I Love him ,
but now it just feel like there is no point of keeping those promises
that I've made,
he doesn't seems to care,
It just feel different,
when there is no one who actually care,
no one who actually want to know,
no one who actually bothers,
I am screaming on top of my lungs
and she who is next to me couldn't even hear it..